Wow, it's been such a long time since I've posted! I thought I'd give up on blogging, but lately I've been having a lot of feelings that I've wanted to write down and this is a great way for me to express myself.
Most of my family, and close friends know of my struggle with anxiety. I developed the anxiety after Matthew was born. I chalked it up to PPD. It took 9 months for me to actually feel "normal" again. It was the most difficult 9 months. When we moved from the Central Valley to San Diego, it seemed that all of my anxiety and depression disappeared, magically. I have so enjoyed every moment living in San Diego. Dave and I cultivated great and lasting relationships with other couples in our wards. We always felt so accepted, and needed by others, which keeps me going. I always had things to do...places to go....people to meet. I was always busy, doing things... working on hobbies, and projects. All in all, San Diego felt like HOME.
Recently, Dave and I moved to the Inland Empire of California. AKA, the grungy 909. This move has been especially difficult for me. I thought I'd never have to battle that ugly anxiety again, but alas, it has gotten the best of me. I find myself missing everything I had back "home". It is different here. We get all the best of L.A. The smog, the dirt, and... the people. Just last night, I went to get some Taco Bell (to all of my family laughing right now... this is the first time I've been in a LONG time :) As I was waiting at a red light, a car load of men next to me were throwing around a lot of racial slurs, knowing that I could hear. Since I wouldn't turn my head and look at them, they honked their horn many times to get my attention. I still didn't look at them (fearing the worst, it was 9:30 at night). When the light turned green, they sped off yelling something very obscene at me. I thought to myself, "great, why in the heck did we move here!"
I am struggling deep inside, trying to find some purpose for moving here. I have a hard time motivating myself to do all of those things that I enjoyed back home. I find myself always wishing things would be different, but not taking the steps to making them different. As I was pondering on my current phase in life, I glanced out the window, and saw people in the neighborhood living their normal day to day routine. Then I thought to myself, how can someone possibly be happy without the gospel? And there's my answer! How can I be happy without the gospel? I haven't been doing my personal study like I should. I haven't been praying like I should, Ive been trying to live alone. Thats impossible! And the effects of it have been enormous! Now is the time to start being "active" in the gospel again!
I will have faith that things will be different. I will have faith that my anxiety will weaken. I will have faith in the Lord. And, I will do my part to be worthy of those blessings!
I am always grateful for great friends and family that remind me of what is important, and that this is too, just a step in our great adventure of life. We are young, we are capable, and we will overcome the challenges that are placed in our way.
I am grateful for a husband that works tirelessly everyday, to provide for our family. It is not an easy job. Words cannot express the gratitude and love I feel for him. I am truly blessed to have him for eternity.
So, here's to a new beginning, and a little crack in our road. :)
7 comments:
Stephanie. I love you. I am sorry you have been having a hard time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and especially sharing your testimony. It is a good reminder of what I need to do. I have also been slacking ever since the kids were born and I was operating on fumes of sleep. Sleep has come and we have a routine but I never added real personal study back in the mix and that must change. Hugs.
Steph,
I didn't realize this move was so hard on you. Thank you for sharing. We will keep your family in our prayers. Wouldn't it be great if we could live down the street from you guys? The longer I live, the longer I realize that life is pretty much always hard. You overcome one challenge just to gain muscles big enough to face the next. Our Stake President recently challenged us to read the BOM by the end of the year. I did have a regular study program at the time (sometimes I am better than others), but now we read a few pages every night. It has made all the difference. We love you. Feel free to call anytime.
love you and miss you ton's. That same thought goes through my mind often and has given me so much strength stength. wish i could be right next door to u and we could go get taco bell together!
Stephanie, first things first: Welcome back to the blogging world. Second, that was brave of you to post your feelings. I read and read and as I got to the end, I felt triumph and motivation to make my own life better. Although I did not make a move from a place that I thought was great, I have moved to a place can be great and I need to have that attitude to make it great. Thanks for the reminder! Love you.
i hope things start getting better for you! i can't believe you have moved again! we're still in the same spot. i feel like we always are, i think i needed this blog to read!
I just have one thing to say... I love you!
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